Caffeinated Bob — Company Handbook

Issued by Corporate. Subject to improvement without notice.

Welcome to Caffeinated Bob, a parody of Corporate America played Monday–Friday from 8 AM to 5 PM.

If you’re looking to avoid work with dopamine hits and flashy interactive gameplay, this is not the game for you. This game is designed to be played passively — simple on the surface, with plenty of depth when you want there to be. The more you play, the more you’ll find that life in a cubicle is much more bearable when you’ve got a cup of coffee and a friend.

How to play

Your job is simple: keep Bob caffeinated throughout the workday.

Click Get Coffee and Bob will leave for a few minutes before returning with a fresh cup. His energy increases with each sip. Too little coffee and Bob may fall asleep. Too much and [redacted by Corporate’s Lawyers].

Bob does not require much. Check in when you can, grab him a coffee when you grab yours, and spend your next break at work exploring Bob’s cubicle. A few more specifics directly from Corporate:

1. Office hours

Caffeinated Bob operates Monday through Friday from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM, with a required one-hour lunch break observed from 12:00 PM to 1:00 PM. Outside of approved operating hours, Bob is unavailable for work-related activities. Employees are encouraged to practice work-life balance so long as it does not come in direct conflict with quarterly growth objectives.

Employees may still reach their workstation after hours by logging in to BOB-OS with their Employee ID and Access Code. Nothing performed at that hour is compensable, and Corporate wishes to be clear that it is not asking you to be there.

2. Compliance Vouchers

Corporate monitors employee alertness, productivity, and general workplace readiness. Satisfactory performance may be recognized through the distribution of Compliance Vouchers (CV).

Additional CV may be earned through TPS report submissions, email replies, and future Corporate Initiatives (pending budget approval).

Compliance Vouchers have no real-world monetary value, but may be redeemed through the Corporate Store for clothing, decorations, office equipment, and other pre-approved items.

3. Email

Employees are encouraged to maintain regular engagement with email communications.

Corporate uses email to distribute important notices, policy updates, workplace events, Compliance Voucher opportunities, employee requests, morale initiatives, and other information considered relevant to your continued productivity.

Emails may be read, replied to, or deleted at the employee’s discretion. It is hard to say which emails are most important, so please enjoy all emails equally and do not give preference to any one email over another.

4. Your workstation

Bob’s workstation contains everything necessary to perform his assigned duties, including email, applications, and utilities. Please explore your workstation and surrounding cubicle responsibly during periods of available bandwidth.

5. Bugs

This year’s pest-control budget was strategically reallocated toward CEO retention in recognition of exceptional leadership during a period of sustained organizational growth.

As a result, employees may encounter bugs in the workplace. Corporate apologizes for any corresponding inconveniences. Luckily, these experiences provide valuable opportunities to strengthen adaptability, patience, and solution-oriented thinking.

Please use the employee survey found on Bob’s computer desktop to report any bugs that create a toxic work environment, destroy employee records, prevent Bob from earning Compliance Vouchers, or otherwise threaten future company profitability.

Closing remarks

Caffeinated Bob is currently in beta. As part of Corporate’s commitment to continuous improvement, workplace systems may be improved, rearranged, renamed, discontinued, replaced, or determined to have never existed.

These adjustments are evidence of progress.

Caffeinated Bob is intended to complement your workday, not replace it. Keep Bob caffeinated, check in when you have a moment, explore when workload permits, and approach anything resembling additional responsibility with appropriate professional judgment.

Thank you for your continued participation. Your presence has been noted.